


if only tonight we could sleep.

by Iclare



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Athena Grant Being a Mom, Bobby is Buck's Dad, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Exhaustion, Fluff, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Protective Maddie Buckley, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:22:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24760018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iclare/pseuds/Iclare
Summary: 5 times Buck couldn’t sleep and 1 time he realised he would never sleep alone again.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 476
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	if only tonight we could sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This one was honestly a labour of love. Tired and emotional Buck is my favourite Buck. Basically an excuse for some hurt Buck and for him to be doted on by everyone else.

1\. 

It had been a hard call. The hardest they’d had for a while. The team all but dropped out of the ladder truck, soot and smoke clinging to them. There were no jokes, no shared smiles, only exhaustion oozing from them. 

‘Hit the showers then get some rest, we’re off rota for the next 8 hours,’ Bobby called out as he headed towards his office. He glanced back and watched as his team trundled towards the showers, shoulders slouched. 

The silence was palpable when the team returned to the locker room after their showers, hair wet and dressed in comfy, clean clothes. Eddie and Chimney, while clearly exhausted, had perked up slightly. Buck remained silent, his eyelids heavy but his mind in overdrive. Chimney and Eddie shared a look, silently agreeing their plan. 

They bypassed the bunk rooms, heading straight to the lounge area, socked feet quiet on the cold floor. Hen was already there, sitting on the sofa, arms open as she looked at Buck. The youngest firefighter barely hesitated, shuffling over to his friend and lying down beside her, his head on her lap. 

‘I know baby,’ was all she whispered, scratching his scalp the way she knew he liked and watching silently as he tried to compose himself. 

Bobby had sat in his office for as long as he thought he could get away with without being missed by his team. Calls where they lost someone always hit hard, but calls where they lost a child hit harder and deeper. He rested his head in his hands for a moment, inhaling deeply.

‘I had her.’ 

Buck’s whispered words at the scene refused to leave his head. The younger man had rushed into the child’s bedroom, ignoring the flames and his own safety as usual, and brought her outside. She had stopped breathing and the team hadn’t been able to resuscitate her. 

Buck hadn’t spoken since. 

Bobby pulled himself out of his seat and made his way to the common area. It was the middle of the night and the rest of his team had promised they were going to the bunk room to rest. There were still too many hours left in their shift and Bobby needed coffee. No way he was sleeping tonight. 

The lights had been dimmed, the quiet television casting a soft glow over his friends. 

He stopped beside the sofas, looking over his team. Eddie and Chimney were swiping through their phones, muttering to each other softly, their eyelids heavy. On the other sofa, Hen slouched low, her legs rested on top of the coffee table. Buck’s head lay on her lap, his body curled on its side, his arms wrapped around him. Hen’s fingers carded through his hair as her other hand flicked through apps on her phone. 

Hen looked up when she felt a presence beside her. She smiled at Bobby’s gaze. 

‘Tough call. Couldn’t sleep. And we know Buck doesn’t sleep well after tough calls,’ she shrugged, looking down at her charge fondly, her fingers never stopping. Bobby only nodded, going towards the bunk room. He returned moments later with an armful of blankets and pillows. He handed a section to Chimney and Eddie who took them gratefully, wrapping themselves up and placing the pillows behind their heads. 

He placed a blanket over Hen’s chest, twisting it so it didn’t cover Buck’s face on her lap. Lastly he unfolded a blanket for Buck, resting it over him and tucking it in around him as gently as possible. Hen watched with a knowing smile, her eyes soft as she watched Bobby run his hand over Buck’s head. Daddy Bobby was in full force. 

Bobby stretched back up to his full height, stretching out his back. 

‘So if no one is going to sleep, I’ll make some coffee. Chimney find something on tv,’ Bobby stated, tossing the remote to the man and heading towards the kitchen. 

2\. 

Buck stared at the tv in front of him, his eyes burning and his head heavy. If asked, he wouldn’t be able to say what he was watching. He was so tired. His casted leg was stretched out on the couch, the limb throbbing agonisingly. His painkillers were in the kitchen but they made him sick if he didn’t take them with food and he couldn’t make food with the amount of pain he was in. All of this resulted in his inability to get any sleep. 

A knock on the front door startled him, a key scratching at the lock and the door opening had him confused. 

‘Buck?’ He heard Eddie’s voice call out from the doorway and he felt equal parts relieved and panicked. 

Eddie rounded the corner, throwing his keys on the table, flicking on lights as he moved. He spotted Buck on the couch and he smiled but as he got closer the smile dropped from his face and he sighed, arms folded across his chest. 

‘Have you slept at all since you left the hospital?’ He asked as he leant against the wall. Buck looked up at him with those big, tearful eyes and Eddie’s heart skipped. 

‘Hurts too much,’ Buck croaked, his throat dry. The kitchen was so far away. Eddie knew for Buck to admit that he was in pain really meant that he was in agony. He nodded in reply, pursing his lips. 

‘Alright. Give me 5 minutes. I’m going to pack you a bag and then you’re going to come and stay with me for a few days.’ Eddie didn’t wait for a reply before heading up the stairs to Buck’s bedroom. He grabbed his gym bag, throwing some clothes and toiletries into it before jogging back down the stairs.

He left the bag by the door, heading back to get Buck up and ready to go. He stopped to look at Buck, sitting so dejectedly on the sofa, staring at the muted television. The younger man looked dazed, and exhausted, and pained, and Eddie wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in his bed.

Shaking the thoughts out of his head, he helped his friend to his feet, getting him into a hoodie and slowly leading him towards his truck. 

He glanced over at Buck every 2 minutes on the drive back to his house, concern fluttering in his stomach as he watched Buck’s glazed eyes stare unseeingly out the window, his head lolling. 

Eddie had never been as happy to see his front door as he was tonight. Running ahead, he opened the front door, turned on the lights and set Buck’s bag on the sofa. He placed a covered dish on the worktop of the kitchen before going back to his car. He helped Buck out, the younger man momentarily forgetting what was happening as he looked around in absolute confusion. 

Letting Buck hobble his way into his home using his crutches, Eddie went into the kitchen and started preheating his oven. By the time Buck made it into the house, Eddie swore he looked more exhausted than before, his arms were shaking, his skin was pale, and he looked seconds away from collapsing. 

‘Sit on the couch. I’ll get you some water and your medication. When was the last time you took some?’ Eddie asked, taking Buck’s crutches from him and letting him drop onto the couch. 

‘Umm...I didn’t?’ Buck replied, a look of shame washing over him. 

‘For the love of...’ Eddie huffed, getting the promised water and orange pill container from Buck’s bag. ‘You know they gave you these to help with the pain. You’re supposed to take them.’ 

Buck took the tablets and downed the glass of water, his throat thankful for the liquid. 

‘I know, Eds, but they make me so sick and I haven’t been able to eat anything and I just...’ 

‘Wait, you haven’t eaten since you got out of hospital? That was 3 days ago Buck.’

Buck only nodded in response, unsure of what he could say that would diffuse the situation. 

Eddie swore under his breath, moving to the kitchen and unwrapping a ceramic dish, putting it in the oven and grabbing two plates. 

‘It’s a good job that Abuela loves you so much and made your favourite enchiladas. That should make you feel better,’ Eddie said with a smile, collapsing on the couch beside Buck and throwing an arm around his shoulders. He could feel the younger man trembling and he pulled him close. 

‘We’ll get some food in you then you can get some sleep. God knows you look like you need it. You look like shit.’ 

‘Gee thanks,’ Buck rolled his eyes, a yawn escaping him. ‘Where’s Christopher?’ 

‘He’s staying with Abuela tonight. I told her what had happened and that I knew you weren’t sleeping and needed a night here and she offered to take him. He’ll be back tomorrow and you can play with him then,’ Eddie smirked, his thumb rubbing Buck’s shoulder. 

‘Very funny,’ Buck sniped, relaxing further into Eddie’s warmth, yawning again. ‘Hold on, how did you know I wasn’t sleeping?’ 

‘Because I know you. I know how your brain works,’ Eddie nudged Buck as he got to his feet, ‘And because you’re an idiot.’ 

Buck didn’t have the energy to rebuke his friend, and the glare he managed to produce wouldn’t have scared a kitten. 

‘But you just need some good home cooked food, some pain relief, and about 24 hours worth of sleep and you’ll be back to normal,’ Eddie smiled, handing Buck the TV remote and indicating he should pick something. Eddie started rustling around the kitchen, pouring drinks and gathering cutlery; he very much doubted that Buck could make it to the table and he honestly couldn’t be bothered being so formal with his best friend. 

There was no sound coming from the living room and he peaked his head in, frowning when he saw that Buck hadn’t moved and he was staring at the remote in his hands. 

‘Want some help?’ Eddie asked softly, bring a glass of water in for Buck and a beer for himself. Buck startled at his voice and a choked grunt escaped his mouth. 

‘Sorry,’ Buck barely smiled, ‘I forgot what I was supposed to do. God I’m so tired.’ 

Eddie took the remote from him, putting on a random nature documentary; he knew neither of them would be there and awake long enough to watch something. He rested his hand on Buck’s shoulder and squeezed. 

‘I know, you’re not well man. Let’s eat something and then you can sleep in my bed. It’s much better than the couch.’ 

Eddie left again to get their food and Buck stared at the floor. Had Eddie invited him into his bed? No, the tiredness must be getting to him. That definitely didn’t just happen. Did it? 

Eddie sat down on the sofa beside him, handing him a plate and a fork and his mouth couldn’t stop salivating. 

‘God I love Abuela,’ he moaned, shovelling a forkful of food into his mouth. Eddie smirked beside him. 

‘I know. Believe me, the feeling’s mutual.’ 

Silence fell over them as they ate, the only sounds the scraping of forks and a quiet Englishman’s voice explaining the mating habits of snow monkeys. Buck stopped eating halfway through his plate, his face pale and his lips pursed. 

‘You okay?’ Eddie asked, taking the plate and setting it on the coffee table. 

‘Y-yeah, just haven’t eaten so much in a while and I’m feeling a bit vomitty,’ Buck replied through a yawn, his fists rubbing his eyes like a sleepy child. 

Eddie smirked. 

‘Vomitty? I don’t think that’s a word.’ 

‘You get the sentiment though,’ Buck sighed, pushing himself to the edge of the sofa, ready to stand up. 

‘Hold your horses,’ Eddie held out his hands placatingly. He stood and helped Buck get to his feet, wrapping one arm around his waist to steady him. 

‘Ready?’ Buck nodded in reply, hopping his way down the hallway to Eddie’s bedroom. He’d dreamt of being invited into this bedroom many times but not once was it is under these circumstances. 

Eddie helped him remove his hoodie, deeming his t-shirt and shorts acceptable sleep attire and helped him lie on the bed, pulling the covers up around his shoulders. Buck smiled up at him. 

‘Thanks.’ The sincerity in his voice had Eddie’s throat gulping and he suddenly felt very flushed. 

‘You’re welcome. Do you want me to sit with you for a bit? I mean, I can go if you want me to I-I just know you don’t sleep great sometimes and I...’ 

‘Please stay,’ Buck whispered, his eyelids already drooping. Eddie lay on top of the covers beside him, kicking his shoes off and stretching out. Buck yawned deeply, shuffling until his head was resting on Eddie’s chest, one arm thrown over his friend’s stomach. Eddie swore he felt his breath stopped in his lungs. 

‘Night Eds,’ Buck whispered, his face rubbing against the soft fabric of Eddie’s t-shirt. Eddie watched him carefully. One moment he was awake, the next he was unconscious, his breathing even and warm against his neck. 

Eddie sighed deeply and swore to himself. Fuck. He loved this man. 

3\. 

He was dying. There was no other explanation for it. His brain was trying to escape out of his skull by bashing its way through his temples and no amount of painkillers had helped. He had been prone to migraines when he was younger but had thankfully had very few as an adult. 

A particularly stressful apartment block fire the day before combined with shouting residents and a knock to the head when he was helping a fidgety toddler had put him in a terrible mood. Although he had been wearing his helmet, his head had hit off a doorframe and had triggered a migraine. It had been building for day until it was too far gone. Medication had not helped. Silence had not helped. Even darkening his apartment had done nothing to ease the throbbing in his skull. 

The world was blurry at the edge and his eyes seem to pick up the tiniest spots of light around him. He had vomited twice already and was too scared to move in case more followed. 

‘Evan?’ A soft voice called out near him and if he had more energy he would likely have jumped out of his skin. As it was, the soft sound had him whimpering and curling into his quilt more. 

‘Oh Evan,’ the voice whispered quietly. Buck felt the bed sink next to him and a cool hand rest on his forehead. He would know that touch anywhere. 

‘Maddie,’ Buck moaned, reaching a hand out blindly towards her. She grasped it and held it tightly.

‘Hey. Chimney called me and told me you took a day off for a headache. I knew it was more than that.’ 

Buck wanted to respond, to nod, to open his eyes, anything. But his brain was pulsing and his eyes were stinging and his stomach was convinced he was on a boat. He was miserable. 

‘I got you,’ Maddie whispered, stroking Buck’s hair off his forehead. She stood up from the bed to remove her jacket and grab her bag of tricks and she smiled softly when Buck whined. 

‘I’ll be right back. I’ve got you some stuff that should help.’ 

Buck lost track of where she was. He could hear her going up and down the stairs and in and out of the bathroom but he was finding it hard to focus on anything. Everything was so fuzzy. 

‘I’m back,’ Maddie whispered as she settled down beside him on the bed again. ‘You’re really pale and your skin is too warm. Migraine?’ 

Buck gave the barest of nods in response. 

‘Thought as much. Have you slept at all since your shift yesterday?’ 

Buck gripped her hand. 

‘Mmhmm. Let’s sort that out. That’ll help the head.’ 

Buck felt a soft material being placed over his eyes, Maddie lifting his head ever so slightly to bring the elastic to the back of his head. He felt the cool sensation of the gel pads of the eye mask against his eyelids and he sighed. 

‘Have you taken any medication?’ 

‘I did a while ago but it didn’t help.’ Talking caused his brain to thrum against his ears and he furrowed his brows. Maddie’s soft fingers brushed against his forehead. 

‘None of that. That’ll only make it worse, you know that. I’ve got you some tablets. Can you sit up for me?’ 

Buck struggled to push himself up to a half sitting position. Maddie placed the tablets against his lips and he opened his mouth. She held the glass of cold water for him and he was thankful; his hands had been shaking a while now and he wouldn’t have been able to hold anything steady. 

Tablets swallowed, Buck lay back down, pursing his lips at the wave of nausea that rushed over him. Maddie placed a cold cloth against his forehead and he hummed happily. He could hear her fidgeting on his bedside table for a moment before the soothing sounds of rain filled the room. He smirked softly. 

‘It’s always worked before,’ Maddie spoke before he could, pulling his quilt up to his shoulders and patting it down. 

‘Thank you. Can you stay?’ Buck whispered, reaching a hand out to pat her leg. 

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Maddie replied, rubbing circles on her brother’s chest until she felt his breathing even out beneath her hand. 

4\. 

Ex. Haust. Ing. Ex. Haust. Ing. Ex. Haust. Ing. 

The word played on repeat in Buck’s head as he ran. Each foot step thumping through him. The flashing streetlights overhead were giving him a headache. It was 2am and he was tired. He had managed to get 3 hours sleep this time before his mind had brought him back underwater screaming for Christopher. The fear of how to tell Eddie he had lost his son had him bolting up in his bed, a cry caught in his throat. 

Then the scene at the grocery store had sent him over the edge and he was out of bed and changed before he could really think about it. Anything to keep Eddie’s words out his mind. 

He didn’t know where he was going. He just had to run. He couldn’t stay in his dark apartment with the words racing through his mind any longer. The rain bounced off the ground and his skin, his feet thundering through puddles as he tried to run away from his thoughts. 

He had ran further than he had anticipated when he spotted a 24 hour coffee shop. Shivering from the chill of the rain he headed in, trying desperately to catch his breath. 

‘Black coffee, please,’ Buck managed to get out between gasps. His shaking hands got his waterlogged wallet out of his pocket. It took him a few attempts to get his card out and pay the man at the till who was looking at him with too much suspicion. 

Buck took his coffee and took a seat at a corner booth, away from the few other stragglers in the shop. He wrapped his cold hands around the mug and sighed. He was so tired. But the coffee should help. He had a shift in a few hours and needed all the help he could get. 

He zoned out staring at his cooling coffee and lost track of time. Flashing lights appeared outside the window but he didn’t notice. The door opened with a ding and thudding footsteps headed towards counter. 

‘Thank God you’re here. He’s over there. I just don’t want him killing himself or something.’ 

The police officer scowled at the server before stepping over to the lone figure in the corner of the coffee shop. 

‘Buck?’ 

Buck looked up from his now cold coffee and started. 

‘Athena?’ 

‘Oh Buck,’ Athena sighed, hands on her hips as she took in the shivering, pale young man in front of her. 

‘Wh-what are you doing here? Do you want something to drink? Actually, I probably shouldn’t be talking to you, right? But I can still get you a coffee! Latte?’ Buck stumbled over his words, nearly falling out of his chair trying to get his wallet out of his pocket. 

‘I’m on duty and someone called in concerned about you. And I can see why. Baby, why are you here? It’s the middle of the night; you should be in bed.’ Athena stated, standing beside Buck and placing a hand on his face. His skin was freezing. 

‘I-I just couldn’t sleep and I went for a run and then I ran too far and thought a coffee would be a good idea.’ 

Athena took a moment to look at Buck for the first time since the whole lawsuit debacle started. He looked tired and pale and shaky. 

‘When was the last time you ate something?’ Buck considered her question, his brows furrowed. 

‘I don’t know,’ he answered truthfully, dropping his eyes to his coffee cup when Athena scowled at him. 

‘Wrong answer, baby,’ she stated in a firm voice, placing a hand under Buck’s elbow and forcing him to stand up. 

‘Am I being arrested?’ Buck asked, walking beside Athena out of the coffee shop and towards her patrol car. 

‘Are you - don’t be such a fool, Buck. I’m taking you home to get some food and some rest.’ 

Athena started driving, the rain still battering on the windows. She glanced at Buck while making a phone call; he wasn’t tracking what was going on and the soft purr of the engine was making him drowsy. 

10 minutes later she pulled up outside the house, rushing to get Buck out of the car and out of the rain. He followed her like a puppy, blinking slowly. 

The front door opened and it took Buck by surprise. Then it struck him. Athena hadn’t brought him home. She’d brought him to her house. A flash of betrayal rushed through him. 

Bobby stood in the doorway, dressing gown wrapped around him and arms folded across his chest. Athena ushered Buck in, stopping in the doorway. She still had a shift to finish. 

‘Athena I can’t be here! The lawsuit-‘ Athena raising her hand had Buck stopping his argument. 

‘Lawsuit, or no lawsuit, we’re here to help you. Let Bobby take care of you, you need it.’ 

‘You said you were taking me home,’ Buck muttered under his breath, shoving his hands in his pockets, looking every bit the teenager Bobby still saw. 

‘You are home.’ Athena’s words had his eyes watering and he couldn’t look at her face. She closed the door behind her and Bobby lead him to the bathroom. 

‘Get changed, your clothes are soaking. There are some dry clothes in there and when you get out I’ll have some food ready for you.’ 

‘It’s 3 in the morning Bobby. You shouldn’t be doing this.’ 

‘Well you better be quick then so we can both get some sleep.’ 

Buck changed quickly, throwing his wet clothes into the laundry hamper out of habit. He made his way back to the couch, Bobby already sitting there with a mug of tea and a plate of buttered toast. 

‘Eat up then you can get some sleep,’ Bobby motioned for him to sit down, sipping from his own mug. 

Buck didn’t realise how hungry he had been until he had started eating, almost tempted to lick the crumbs off the plate when he was finished. Bobby had a cooking show on the TV but was watching Buck out of the corner of his eye, a smirk on his face. 

Buck yawned widely, his eyes fuzzy as he sat back into the soft cushions of the sofa. He sipped his tea slowly, his eyes growing heavier. Between one blink and the next Bobby had removed the mug from his hands and placed a blanket over him. He put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. 

‘Bobby, I should-‘ 

‘Don’t finish that sentence. You shouldn’t do anything. You’re safe here, get some sleep.’ 

‘But-‘ 

‘But nothing, Buck. Go to sleep.’ 

Far be it for Buck to not follow his Captain’s orders. 

5\. 

Buck couldn’t take his eyes off her. He was glued to watching her chest rise and fall with each reassuring breath she took. He sat on a chair beside her bed, leaning forward so his elbows were resting on his knees, his arms limp in front of him. 

It had been 8 hours since they had found Maddie in the woods, blood oozing from her torso, tears flooding down her face. He had never felt so panicked in his life. Even thinking about it now had adrenaline rushing through him. He took a deep breath. 

Maddie was fine. Doug was dead, and Maddie was fine. She was finally free. She didn’t have to look over her shoulder anymore. She didn’t have to think about who might be watching her. 

She had been proclaiming her freedom since she came to LA but Buck knew his sister; he knew she was constantly looking around her, afraid of who might be at the end of the phone when she picked up, terrified of sleeping on her own. If Doug wasn’t already dead Buck might have been tempted to kill him himself. 

It was dark in Maddie’s bedroom but Buck didn’t want to risk turning on a light for fear of disturbing Maddie’s much needed sleep. She had refused to stay in the hospital longer than was absolutely necessary, wanting to get back to her apartment and hide away from the world. Buck had followed her back, ignoring her protests. 

He helped her get into comfier clothes, made her eat something and take her medication before finally getting her to lie down in bed. He sat beside her, the two staring at each other in silence. It felt surreal. She was safe. 

Buck stroked her hair, rubbing his thumb under her eyes when tears trickled out, but didn’t say a word. He would take care of his sister. They had always taken care of each other. They only really had each other. Their parents weren’t bad people, just bad parents. 

Maddie had gripped his hand, whispering a ‘thank you’ into the darkness before closing her eyes, sighing deeply. Buck would keep her safe. 

Buck glanced at his phone. It was a little after 1am and he was tired. But he couldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t sleep. He had to look after Maddie. She needed to sleep and he would do everything in his power to make sure she did. If that meant staying awake to guard her all night then that’s what he would do. 

He could live without sleep, he couldn’t live without Maddie. 

+1

Buck’s eyes fluttered open, the light creeping in through the bedroom curtains wakening him from his sated slumber. He stretched the muscles in his back, his arms looped under his pillow and half his face pushed into the soft material. He blinked several times to clear his eyes of sleep. 

He felt a pair of eyes on him and he smiled, turning his head to face the other side of the bed. Eddie was sitting against the headboard beside him, chest bare, a cup of coffee in his hands. Eddie smiled down at him lovingly. 

‘Hey.’ 

Buck groaned as he stretched again, shuffling closer to his fiancé and placing his head on his lap. He reached over and lifted Eddie’s free hand and placed it on his own head. 

‘Subtle,’ Eddie laughed, scratching at Buck’s head regardless. Buck practically purred in response. 

‘I love you.’ 

Eddie smiled. 

‘I love you too. Did you sleep alright?’ 

Buck looked up at Eddie with big eyes and smiled. 

‘I always sleep well next to you.’ 

And it was the honest truth. Buck had never slept well when he was on his own; his mind was often too full of thoughts and worries and he struggled to put them to the side to get some sleep. But with Eddie everything melted away and his mind and body were able to relax. 

It struck him as he looked down at his hand, the black band of his engagement ring flashing at him. He would never have to sleep alone again.


End file.
